Glasto 2007 rumour-mill round-up

• Following people dead: Fidel Castro, Salman Rushdie, the Queen, Baroness Thatcher, Daniel Bedingfield, Cliff Richard, Pete Doherty, Andi Peters
  
• Dame Shirley Bassey to join Manics on stage, cover 'Intense Humming of Evil' in style of Bond theme


• Barat, Doherty to reunite, perform secret gig in Portaloo


• Blair to compere John Peel stage on Sunday (while simultaneously appearing at Labour Party conference in Manchester, disturbingly)


• Mean Fiddler organisation has deliberately disabled mobile phone networks for nefarious purposes unknown


• Guy with dreads on tofuburger stall also selling skunk


• Bin Laden spotted near stone circle


• The Who to take to stage dressed as boy scouts


• Escaped puma from Bristol Zoo loose in backstage area; has attacked Peaches Geldof


• Winehouse handing out fivers

Winehouse offered Government post

WESTMINSTER -- Further controversy surrounded Gordon Brown's plans for Government this evening, after Pop 24 learnt that controversial pop sensation Amy Winehouse has informally been offered a ministerial position.

Sources close to the Brown and Winehouse camps confirmed that the Chancellor met with Winehouse briefly on 17 June to tentatively discuss the offer of a junior ministerial position within the Department for Culture, Media and Sport; most likely a newly created role along the lines of Minister of Jazz, Soul and R&B. It is understood that, as part of the arrangement, Ms Winehouse would have been appointed to the Labour benches of the House of Lords.

Pop 24 understands that Winehouse told the Prime Minister-in-waiting to stick his job up his arse.

Cutty Sark: Ditto arrested

LONDON -- Gossip star Beth Ditto was arrested yesterday in connection with the Cutty Sark fire of a week ago.

Ditto is understood to have been seen in the Greenwich area on 21 May, and there have been reports that she has become increasingly "obsessed" with the nineteenth-century clipper ship in recent months.

At the Gossip/CSS gig at the Manchester Roadhouse three days prior to the blaze, Ditto at one stage incited the audience to chant, "f*** the Cutty Sark." After the event, she was overheard telling a fan: "You know what I like about [Manchester]? It's 200 miles away from that f***ing boat. What's the deal with that, anyway? It's like a huge boat that doesn't even go anywhere? Someone should do something about it. I think you know what I'm saying."

There is speculation within the music industry that Ditto is fed up with being associated with her size and sexuality, and may have started the fire in order to add a new and unexpected element to her persona: namely the destruction of antique sea vessels.

The Metropolitan Police today confirmed they had detained an American woman in her 20s in connection with the fire, which they are treating as suspicious.

Heather Mills bludgeons homeless man with leg

NEW YORK, PROBABLY -- Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife Mrs Sir Heather McCartney-Mills-McCartney sunk to a new low yesterday when she was seen beating up a homeless man in the street -- with her own artificial leg.

Aghast onlookers looked on aghast as Mills (39), in the US while filming the reality TV show Dancing with the Stars, detached her prosthesis and used it to bludgeon the defenceless vagrant repeatedly in the face and torso, after he asked her if she had any spare "dimes".

According to passerby Senator Hilary Clinton, Mills -- dubbed "Mucca" by the Sun newspaper -- screeched "I am Lady Heather McCartney, and you are not getting a penny from me!" while beating the luckless tramp unconscious. Mills is widely expected to receive £40m in her divorce from the former Beatle.

-- HAS Heather gone too far? To vote YES, call 0870 637 8989; to vote NO, call 0870 434 2707. Calls cost £2.99 per minute from BT landlines. Mobile rates vary. Please get permission from whoever pays the bill.

Winehouse cancels gig due to "forseen circumstances"

Amy Winehouse's management company have described her last-minute cancellation of a gig at London's Shepherds Bush Empire this week as "wholly predictable".

A statement issued on Friday morning said that "We apologise for the cancellation of Thursday night's concert, which was as disappointing as it was inevitable."

The statement went on to explain that the event has been rescheduled for next month, when it will again be cancelled at the last minute.

Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.

UK Government announces Ten Albums You Must Own By Law

WESTMINSTER -- Tessa Jowell, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, today announced details of the Government's controversial Popular Music (Mandatory Ownership) Bill, which for the first time will make the possession of certain albums compulsory.

The Bill is expected to come into force in summer 2008, when the records listed below will become legally obligatory for all residents of England and Wales, in vinyl, CD or digital format.

"But not cassette," warned Jowell. "Fuck that shit."

Anyone found not in possession of the collection will be forced to attend a music appreciation class and pay a fine of a fine of no more than GBP1,000, with the threat of up to six months' imprisonment for persistent offenders.

The legislation will not apply to Scotland, although the Scottish Parliament is reportedly considering bringing in a similar list, with Primal Scream, Altered Images and the Proclaimers all expected to feature prominently.

The British Government's Top Ten Albums You Must Own By Law is as follows.

1. The Beatles, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
2. Beach Boys, Pet Sounds
3. Oasis, Definitely Maybe
4. U2, Achtung Baby
5. Radiohead, OK Computer
6. Coldplay, X&Y
7. The Beatles, Revolver
8. REM, Automatic For The People
9. Killers, Hot Fuss
10. Robbie Williams, Swing When You're Winning

Glastonbury tickets to be allocated via series of fiendish riddles

SOMERSET, ENGLAND -- Organisers of the Glastonbury music festival have announced further details of the ticket purchasing system for the 2007 event, to take place in June.

Emily Eavis has revealed to Pop 24 how the tickets will be allocated based on the outcome of a series of problem-solving tasks, each one more bizarre than the last.

As has previously been widely reported in the media, would-be festival-goers will be obliged to register with the Mean Fiddler organisation next month, providing name, address, daytime contact number, credit card details, known allergies and political affiliations, together with a recent utility bill and DNA swab.

"Registration is only the first stage of the ticket-buying process," revealed Eavis yesterday. "Within a fortnight of having their registration confirmed, each customer will receive their own personal cryptic clue. This may be delivered to the recipitent by email, SMS text message, carrier pigeon, or it may well appear to them in a feverish dream."

But that's not all. The clue is the first of several which will lead the card-holder on a dizzying treasure hunt across land and sea, taking in several continents. Eventually, the treasure hunters (who must work in units of no more than two) will be led to Michael Eavis's secret underground lair, where the baldly landlord himself will preside over a week-long tournament of games aimed to test mental and physical agility. Only the top-ranking few thousand will be permitted to attend the festival, with the ultimate winner to be crowned Champion Of The World on the Pyramid Stage by Radiohead on Saturday night.

In the event of a draw, Ms Eavis said: "I would not be surprised if we resorted to bare-knuckle wrestling. Probably nude."

A quick straw-poll carried out by Pop 24 revealed that a significant majority of music fans welcomed this move as hugely preferable to the previous booking system.