Thursday, February 15, 2007

Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

UK Government announces Ten Albums You Must Own By Law

WESTMINSTER -- Tessa Jowell, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, today announced details of the Government's controversial Popular Music (Mandatory Ownership) Bill, which for the first time will make the possession of certain albums compulsory.

The Bill is expected to come into force in summer 2008, when the records listed below will become legally obligatory for all residents of England and Wales, in vinyl, CD or digital format.

"But not cassette," warned Jowell. "Fuck that shit."

Anyone found not in possession of the collection will be forced to attend a music appreciation class and pay a fine of a fine of no more than GBP1,000, with the threat of up to six months' imprisonment for persistent offenders.

The legislation will not apply to Scotland, although the Scottish Parliament is reportedly considering bringing in a similar list, with Primal Scream, Altered Images and the Proclaimers all expected to feature prominently.

The British Government's Top Ten Albums You Must Own By Law is as follows.

1. The Beatles, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
2. Beach Boys, Pet Sounds
3. Oasis, Definitely Maybe
4. U2, Achtung Baby
5. Radiohead, OK Computer
6. Coldplay, X&Y
7. The Beatles, Revolver
8. REM, Automatic For The People
9. Killers, Hot Fuss
10. Robbie Williams, Swing When You're Winning