Glastonbury tickets to be allocated via series of fiendish riddles

SOMERSET, ENGLAND -- Organisers of the Glastonbury music festival have announced further details of the ticket purchasing system for the 2007 event, to take place in June.

Emily Eavis has revealed to Pop 24 how the tickets will be allocated based on the outcome of a series of problem-solving tasks, each one more bizarre than the last.

As has previously been widely reported in the media, would-be festival-goers will be obliged to register with the Mean Fiddler organisation next month, providing name, address, daytime contact number, credit card details, known allergies and political affiliations, together with a recent utility bill and DNA swab.

"Registration is only the first stage of the ticket-buying process," revealed Eavis yesterday. "Within a fortnight of having their registration confirmed, each customer will receive their own personal cryptic clue. This may be delivered to the recipitent by email, SMS text message, carrier pigeon, or it may well appear to them in a feverish dream."

But that's not all. The clue is the first of several which will lead the card-holder on a dizzying treasure hunt across land and sea, taking in several continents. Eventually, the treasure hunters (who must work in units of no more than two) will be led to Michael Eavis's secret underground lair, where the baldly landlord himself will preside over a week-long tournament of games aimed to test mental and physical agility. Only the top-ranking few thousand will be permitted to attend the festival, with the ultimate winner to be crowned Champion Of The World on the Pyramid Stage by Radiohead on Saturday night.

In the event of a draw, Ms Eavis said: "I would not be surprised if we resorted to bare-knuckle wrestling. Probably nude."

A quick straw-poll carried out by Pop 24 revealed that a significant majority of music fans welcomed this move as hugely preferable to the previous booking system.

2 Many Chefs To Spoil TV Broth?

ITV has today revealed a tasty, poptastic new TV treat which will be sure to cook up a real storm across the nation next month.

Hot on the heels of the recent Totally Boyband series –– which gave five former pop stars a chance to rekindle their flagging careers with a new band –– ITV has now unveiled plans to air a similar show with a culinary twist.

The new primetime reality show If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will see top TV chefs Antony Worrall Thompson, Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal quite literally "…get out of the kitchen" to form a sensational new pop act.

Programming chiefs are remaining tight-lipped over the details, although it has been revealed that the four-piece will perform under the name 2 Many Chefs. Pop 24 has learnt that original plans to name the band The Spice Boys –– replete with nicknames "Hairy", "Sweary", "Sweaty" and "Swotty" –– were rejected after negative test screenings.

In the wake of the announcement, Ladbrokes have put odds of 8/1 that the band’s debut single will be a cover of the South Park song "Chocolate Salty Balls", as sung by "Chef" (Isaac Hayes).

If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will launch on ITV1 on Saturday 27 January at 8pm.

Boozy Queen scalps Elton John

LONDON -- Tensions surrounding the build-up to the tenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales came to a head late last night –– as reigning monarch Queen Elizabeth II launched an unprecedented and violent attack on pop icon Sir Elton John at an exclusive Soho bistro.

The incident, which has sent shockwaves across the nation, is understood to have followed a heated discussion over next year’s Wembley Stadium memorial concert, which will be organised by Princes William and Harry. The concert, which will commemorate 10 years since the spectacular death of the People’s Princess, boasts Sir Elton himself as part of a stellar line-up that also includes Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry.

Eyewitnesses today told Pop 24 that after a series of bad-tempered quips about "arse-candles in the wind", the booze-fuelled Head of State suddenly launched herself at the pop royalty, drawing a crudely-fashioned flick knife from her garments and vowing to "slice the wiggy fuck". A scuffle ensued, in which lairy Liz easily got the better of the ageing pop star, before being pulled away by a quick-thinking Uri Geller and bundled into a Peugeot. She has not been since since. Sources close to Sir Elton say the singer has lost several millimetres of scalp, and have described his condition as "tetchy".

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said Jamie Oliver was now on standby for this year’s Queen’s Speech, amid fears that this marks the start of another of Her Majesty's legendary "benders".

Bananarama take control of Fiji in shock military coup

In a move that has rocked the world of eighties pop to its already fragile knees, girl group Bananarama have stormed government offices in the remote South Pacific nation of Fiji.

Citing deposed prime minister Laisenia Qarase's involvement in corruption and lack of leadership skills, and the refusal of the British public to support yet another unnecessary eighties comeback act, Woodward and Dallin staged a thankfully bloodless coup at around 0800 GMT on Monday. They have, however, warned that force could be used if Fijians refuse to accept 'Love In The First Degree' as their new national anthem.

Speaking from behind a bush somewhere in London, former friend of the band and current heinous druggie George Michael expressed his shock and disappointment. "I just can't believe it," he said, hurriedly pulling up his trousers. "I know 'Drama' was a flop, but they've taken it too far. I don't even know where Fiji is."

The international community has also strongly condemned the coup. Aid from the UK, US and New Zealand has been suspended, and Fiji faces expulsion from the Commonwealth of Nations. Hopes for the restoration of constitutional democracy on the islands have been pinned on UN Chief Secretary Of 1980s Relations Marc Almond, who is believed to have been parachuted in to act as a mediator. Rumours that mediation may take the form of yet another collaborative version of 'Tainted Love' are as yet unsubstantiated.

Alan Freeman dead, angry

HEAVEN -- The departed spirit of radio presenter Alan "Fluff" Freeman is "hopping mad" following media coverage of his recent death at the age of 79, we can report.

"When Peel died, it was a huge story," said Freeman, speaking exclusively to Pop 24 via a hastily-organised seance. "Even Tony bloody Blair gave a quote. And what do I get? A couple of paragraphs on page 5. Bah!"

Freeman said he could not rule out returning to the living world in ghostly form in order to haunt the British news media until this apparent oversight had been corrected.

"Am I fucked off? Not 'arf!" he concluded inevitably.

Madonna adopts bear cub

Following the controversy surrounding her adoption of a Malawian child, Madonna is now facing fresh criticism for adopting a grizzly bear cub from London Zoo.

It is understood that the adoption of the cub was a birthday present from Madonna's husband, shit film director Shane Richie. Generally, rights associated with the adoption of zoo animals are restricted to some kind of certificate, or at most a Beanie Baby from the gift shop.

However, Madonna is understood to have removed the grizzly from the zoo and to be currently raising him as a precocious British child at her mansion in the Home Counties. Environmental campaigners have suggested Madonna has used her wealth and influence among zoo officials to sidestep usual procedure and remove the deadly mammal.

WWF spokesman Hulk Hogan told reporters last night: "Madonna may fondly imagine she can offer the bear cub a better life, but zoo animals live in carefully simulated surroundings, and cannot thrive amidst the glitz and glamour of ageing rock stars' homes.

"The cub may be cute now, but in adult life it may attack, or even try to hump, Madonna," he continued. "I am sure that is the last thing anyone wants."

When a journalist approached Madonna at her home yesterday, she became angered, and fiercely protected the cub by hissing and spitting at the unknown predator.