2 Many Chefs To Spoil TV Broth?

ITV has today revealed a tasty, poptastic new TV treat which will be sure to cook up a real storm across the nation next month.

Hot on the heels of the recent Totally Boyband series –– which gave five former pop stars a chance to rekindle their flagging careers with a new band –– ITV has now unveiled plans to air a similar show with a culinary twist.

The new primetime reality show If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will see top TV chefs Antony Worrall Thompson, Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal quite literally "…get out of the kitchen" to form a sensational new pop act.

Programming chiefs are remaining tight-lipped over the details, although it has been revealed that the four-piece will perform under the name 2 Many Chefs. Pop 24 has learnt that original plans to name the band The Spice Boys –– replete with nicknames "Hairy", "Sweary", "Sweaty" and "Swotty" –– were rejected after negative test screenings.

In the wake of the announcement, Ladbrokes have put odds of 8/1 that the band’s debut single will be a cover of the South Park song "Chocolate Salty Balls", as sung by "Chef" (Isaac Hayes).

If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will launch on ITV1 on Saturday 27 January at 8pm.

Boozy Queen scalps Elton John

LONDON -- Tensions surrounding the build-up to the tenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales came to a head late last night –– as reigning monarch Queen Elizabeth II launched an unprecedented and violent attack on pop icon Sir Elton John at an exclusive Soho bistro.

The incident, which has sent shockwaves across the nation, is understood to have followed a heated discussion over next year’s Wembley Stadium memorial concert, which will be organised by Princes William and Harry. The concert, which will commemorate 10 years since the spectacular death of the People’s Princess, boasts Sir Elton himself as part of a stellar line-up that also includes Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry.

Eyewitnesses today told Pop 24 that after a series of bad-tempered quips about "arse-candles in the wind", the booze-fuelled Head of State suddenly launched herself at the pop royalty, drawing a crudely-fashioned flick knife from her garments and vowing to "slice the wiggy fuck". A scuffle ensued, in which lairy Liz easily got the better of the ageing pop star, before being pulled away by a quick-thinking Uri Geller and bundled into a Peugeot. She has not been since since. Sources close to Sir Elton say the singer has lost several millimetres of scalp, and have described his condition as "tetchy".

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said Jamie Oliver was now on standby for this year’s Queen’s Speech, amid fears that this marks the start of another of Her Majesty's legendary "benders".

Bananarama take control of Fiji in shock military coup

In a move that has rocked the world of eighties pop to its already fragile knees, girl group Bananarama have stormed government offices in the remote South Pacific nation of Fiji.

Citing deposed prime minister Laisenia Qarase's involvement in corruption and lack of leadership skills, and the refusal of the British public to support yet another unnecessary eighties comeback act, Woodward and Dallin staged a thankfully bloodless coup at around 0800 GMT on Monday. They have, however, warned that force could be used if Fijians refuse to accept 'Love In The First Degree' as their new national anthem.

Speaking from behind a bush somewhere in London, former friend of the band and current heinous druggie George Michael expressed his shock and disappointment. "I just can't believe it," he said, hurriedly pulling up his trousers. "I know 'Drama' was a flop, but they've taken it too far. I don't even know where Fiji is."

The international community has also strongly condemned the coup. Aid from the UK, US and New Zealand has been suspended, and Fiji faces expulsion from the Commonwealth of Nations. Hopes for the restoration of constitutional democracy on the islands have been pinned on UN Chief Secretary Of 1980s Relations Marc Almond, who is believed to have been parachuted in to act as a mediator. Rumours that mediation may take the form of yet another collaborative version of 'Tainted Love' are as yet unsubstantiated.

Alan Freeman dead, angry

HEAVEN -- The departed spirit of radio presenter Alan "Fluff" Freeman is "hopping mad" following media coverage of his recent death at the age of 79, we can report.

"When Peel died, it was a huge story," said Freeman, speaking exclusively to Pop 24 via a hastily-organised seance. "Even Tony bloody Blair gave a quote. And what do I get? A couple of paragraphs on page 5. Bah!"

Freeman said he could not rule out returning to the living world in ghostly form in order to haunt the British news media until this apparent oversight had been corrected.

"Am I fucked off? Not 'arf!" he concluded inevitably.