Boozy Queen scalps Elton John

LONDON -- Tensions surrounding the build-up to the tenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales came to a head late last night –– as reigning monarch Queen Elizabeth II launched an unprecedented and violent attack on pop icon Sir Elton John at an exclusive Soho bistro.

The incident, which has sent shockwaves across the nation, is understood to have followed a heated discussion over next year’s Wembley Stadium memorial concert, which will be organised by Princes William and Harry. The concert, which will commemorate 10 years since the spectacular death of the People’s Princess, boasts Sir Elton himself as part of a stellar line-up that also includes Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry.

Eyewitnesses today told Pop 24 that after a series of bad-tempered quips about "arse-candles in the wind", the booze-fuelled Head of State suddenly launched herself at the pop royalty, drawing a crudely-fashioned flick knife from her garments and vowing to "slice the wiggy fuck". A scuffle ensued, in which lairy Liz easily got the better of the ageing pop star, before being pulled away by a quick-thinking Uri Geller and bundled into a Peugeot. She has not been since since. Sources close to Sir Elton say the singer has lost several millimetres of scalp, and have described his condition as "tetchy".

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said Jamie Oliver was now on standby for this year’s Queen’s Speech, amid fears that this marks the start of another of Her Majesty's legendary "benders".

Morrissey accuses Gnarls Barkley of conspiracy

Morrissey has accused Gnarls Barkley of deliberately sabotaging his chances of a UK Number One single by releasing a much better record.

Ranting to nobody in particular, the ex-Smith complained that 'Crazy' was intentionally better conceived, written and produced than his half-arsed, self-indulgent dirge 'You Have Killed Me'.

"Was it any coincidence that the two songs were released in the same week?" Morrissey shouted at a middle-aged woman who was clearly trying not to make eye-contact. "I think not!"

Morrissey went on to say he would not rule out the possibility that his number three chart position was the result of a much wider conspiracy involving the BPI, the BBC, the NME and the European Union.

Lily Allen "disses" Captain Birdseye

Popstrel-du-jour Ms Lily Allen has sensationally slated much-loved nautical advertising mascot Captain Birdseye.

Sources suggest Allen was overheard describing Captain Birdseye as a "stupid beardy bastard" at the Carling Reading Festival, where she may or may not have performed this weekend.

Allen allegedly went on: "Who wants to eat that disgusting food he peddles to the kids? Fish fingers? Would you catch me eating that shit? No. Why? Because I'm Lily fucking Allen, that's why. Boo-ya!"

A spokesman for Birds Eye Foods declined to comment.