Celebrities come together for Camden

LONDON, NW1 -- Some of pop's biggest stars, plus Kelly Osbourne, have joined forces to raise money for the businesses affected by last week's fire in Camden Town.

They have recorded a cover version of Billy Joel's late-'80s masterpiece We Didn't Start The Fire, featuring contributions from Razorlight's Johnny Borrell and troubled crackhead Amy Winehouse, among others.

The song, inspired by Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas?, features each celebrity singing a line in turn, before joining in for the chorus, which includes the poignant line "We didn't start the fire/We didn't ignite it but we're trying to fight it". The promo video, again in the tradition of Band Aid, features actual studio footage.

But it seems those crazy celebs couldn't put their egos entirely to one side: Pop 24 has learned that Kristen Dunst and Carl Barat nearly came to blows over who got to deliver the pivotal line, "Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball". Both are huge fans of Gen. de Gaulle, who famously blocked Britain's entry to the European Community.

Other guest vocalists include Noel Fielding, Edith Bowman, Russell Brand, Sadie Frost, Alex Zane and Boris Johnson.

We Didn't Start The Fire by the Camden Town All-Stars is released on CD and download on Monday.

Winehouse offered Government post

WESTMINSTER -- Further controversy surrounded Gordon Brown's plans for Government this evening, after Pop 24 learnt that controversial pop sensation Amy Winehouse has informally been offered a ministerial position.

Sources close to the Brown and Winehouse camps confirmed that the Chancellor met with Winehouse briefly on 17 June to tentatively discuss the offer of a junior ministerial position within the Department for Culture, Media and Sport; most likely a newly created role along the lines of Minister of Jazz, Soul and R&B. It is understood that, as part of the arrangement, Ms Winehouse would have been appointed to the Labour benches of the House of Lords.

Pop 24 understands that Winehouse told the Prime Minister-in-waiting to stick his job up his arse.

Winehouse cancels gig due to "forseen circumstances"

Amy Winehouse's management company have described her last-minute cancellation of a gig at London's Shepherds Bush Empire this week as "wholly predictable".

A statement issued on Friday morning said that "We apologise for the cancellation of Thursday night's concert, which was as disappointing as it was inevitable."

The statement went on to explain that the event has been rescheduled for next month, when it will again be cancelled at the last minute.

Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.