Celebrities come together for Camden

LONDON, NW1 -- Some of pop's biggest stars, plus Kelly Osbourne, have joined forces to raise money for the businesses affected by last week's fire in Camden Town.

They have recorded a cover version of Billy Joel's late-'80s masterpiece We Didn't Start The Fire, featuring contributions from Razorlight's Johnny Borrell and troubled crackhead Amy Winehouse, among others.

The song, inspired by Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas?, features each celebrity singing a line in turn, before joining in for the chorus, which includes the poignant line "We didn't start the fire/We didn't ignite it but we're trying to fight it". The promo video, again in the tradition of Band Aid, features actual studio footage.

But it seems those crazy celebs couldn't put their egos entirely to one side: Pop 24 has learned that Kristen Dunst and Carl Barat nearly came to blows over who got to deliver the pivotal line, "Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball". Both are huge fans of Gen. de Gaulle, who famously blocked Britain's entry to the European Community.

Other guest vocalists include Noel Fielding, Edith Bowman, Russell Brand, Sadie Frost, Alex Zane and Boris Johnson.

We Didn't Start The Fire by the Camden Town All-Stars is released on CD and download on Monday.

Cutty Sark: Ditto arrested

LONDON -- Gossip star Beth Ditto was arrested yesterday in connection with the Cutty Sark fire of a week ago.

Ditto is understood to have been seen in the Greenwich area on 21 May, and there have been reports that she has become increasingly "obsessed" with the nineteenth-century clipper ship in recent months.

At the Gossip/CSS gig at the Manchester Roadhouse three days prior to the blaze, Ditto at one stage incited the audience to chant, "f*** the Cutty Sark." After the event, she was overheard telling a fan: "You know what I like about [Manchester]? It's 200 miles away from that f***ing boat. What's the deal with that, anyway? It's like a huge boat that doesn't even go anywhere? Someone should do something about it. I think you know what I'm saying."

There is speculation within the music industry that Ditto is fed up with being associated with her size and sexuality, and may have started the fire in order to add a new and unexpected element to her persona: namely the destruction of antique sea vessels.

The Metropolitan Police today confirmed they had detained an American woman in her 20s in connection with the fire, which they are treating as suspicious.

Winehouse cancels gig due to "forseen circumstances"

Amy Winehouse's management company have described her last-minute cancellation of a gig at London's Shepherds Bush Empire this week as "wholly predictable".

A statement issued on Friday morning said that "We apologise for the cancellation of Thursday night's concert, which was as disappointing as it was inevitable."

The statement went on to explain that the event has been rescheduled for next month, when it will again be cancelled at the last minute.

Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.

Boozy Queen scalps Elton John

LONDON -- Tensions surrounding the build-up to the tenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales came to a head late last night –– as reigning monarch Queen Elizabeth II launched an unprecedented and violent attack on pop icon Sir Elton John at an exclusive Soho bistro.

The incident, which has sent shockwaves across the nation, is understood to have followed a heated discussion over next year’s Wembley Stadium memorial concert, which will be organised by Princes William and Harry. The concert, which will commemorate 10 years since the spectacular death of the People’s Princess, boasts Sir Elton himself as part of a stellar line-up that also includes Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry.

Eyewitnesses today told Pop 24 that after a series of bad-tempered quips about "arse-candles in the wind", the booze-fuelled Head of State suddenly launched herself at the pop royalty, drawing a crudely-fashioned flick knife from her garments and vowing to "slice the wiggy fuck". A scuffle ensued, in which lairy Liz easily got the better of the ageing pop star, before being pulled away by a quick-thinking Uri Geller and bundled into a Peugeot. She has not been since since. Sources close to Sir Elton say the singer has lost several millimetres of scalp, and have described his condition as "tetchy".

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said Jamie Oliver was now on standby for this year’s Queen’s Speech, amid fears that this marks the start of another of Her Majesty's legendary "benders".

Madonna adopts bear cub

Following the controversy surrounding her adoption of a Malawian child, Madonna is now facing fresh criticism for adopting a grizzly bear cub from London Zoo.

It is understood that the adoption of the cub was a birthday present from Madonna's husband, shit film director Shane Richie. Generally, rights associated with the adoption of zoo animals are restricted to some kind of certificate, or at most a Beanie Baby from the gift shop.

However, Madonna is understood to have removed the grizzly from the zoo and to be currently raising him as a precocious British child at her mansion in the Home Counties. Environmental campaigners have suggested Madonna has used her wealth and influence among zoo officials to sidestep usual procedure and remove the deadly mammal.

WWF spokesman Hulk Hogan told reporters last night: "Madonna may fondly imagine she can offer the bear cub a better life, but zoo animals live in carefully simulated surroundings, and cannot thrive amidst the glitz and glamour of ageing rock stars' homes.

"The cub may be cute now, but in adult life it may attack, or even try to hump, Madonna," he continued. "I am sure that is the last thing anyone wants."

When a journalist approached Madonna at her home yesterday, she became angered, and fiercely protected the cub by hissing and spitting at the unknown predator.

Juliette Lewis swallows kestrel

American actor-slash-musician Juliette Lewis, of Juliette and the Licks, has inadvertently swallowed a kestrel.

The incident occurred last night at an aftershow party in London’s west end. Onlookers looked on aghast as the mighty bird of prey flew in through an open window and straight into Lewis’ permanently agape cakehole.

Lewis, whose album Four To The Floor is released in the UK on October 2, was immediately rushed to hospital. So far medics have been unable to retrieve the bird, which is lodged halfway down the star’s oesophageal tract.

Professor Richard Hillman, of the Institute of Improbable Injuries at King’s College London, said “Hopefully this will send out a message to young people that it is neither clever nor ‘cool’ to go through life without ever closing one’s mouth.”

Bird enthusiast Bill Oddie last night called publicly for the destruction of Ms Lewis in order to save the kestrel.