Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.

2 Many Chefs To Spoil TV Broth?

ITV has today revealed a tasty, poptastic new TV treat which will be sure to cook up a real storm across the nation next month.

Hot on the heels of the recent Totally Boyband series –– which gave five former pop stars a chance to rekindle their flagging careers with a new band –– ITV has now unveiled plans to air a similar show with a culinary twist.

The new primetime reality show If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will see top TV chefs Antony Worrall Thompson, Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal quite literally "…get out of the kitchen" to form a sensational new pop act.

Programming chiefs are remaining tight-lipped over the details, although it has been revealed that the four-piece will perform under the name 2 Many Chefs. Pop 24 has learnt that original plans to name the band The Spice Boys –– replete with nicknames "Hairy", "Sweary", "Sweaty" and "Swotty" –– were rejected after negative test screenings.

In the wake of the announcement, Ladbrokes have put odds of 8/1 that the band’s debut single will be a cover of the South Park song "Chocolate Salty Balls", as sung by "Chef" (Isaac Hayes).

If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will launch on ITV1 on Saturday 27 January at 8pm.

Alan Freeman dead, angry

HEAVEN -- The departed spirit of radio presenter Alan "Fluff" Freeman is "hopping mad" following media coverage of his recent death at the age of 79, we can report.

"When Peel died, it was a huge story," said Freeman, speaking exclusively to Pop 24 via a hastily-organised seance. "Even Tony bloody Blair gave a quote. And what do I get? A couple of paragraphs on page 5. Bah!"

Freeman said he could not rule out returning to the living world in ghostly form in order to haunt the British news media until this apparent oversight had been corrected.

"Am I fucked off? Not 'arf!" he concluded inevitably.

Pete Doherty to feature in ill-judged televisual vehicle

Troubled rocker Pete Doherty is to star in his own reality TV show.

Based on the popular T4 programme 'Princess Nikki' -- and, to a lesser extent, 'The Simple Life' -- 'Princess Pete' follows Doherty as he tries his hand at a variety of menial jobs.

And trouble's not far behind in the first episode, when Pete finds work at a branch of Gregg's the bakers in Wigan and fills all the pasties with heroin.

Later programmes in the six-part series will be based in a petting zoo, a women's prison, controversial US base Guantanamo Bay, and a methadone clinic.

'Princess Pete' starts at 10am on Saturday 14 October on Channel 4.

Yourcodenameis:milo cause turmoil in publishing industry

The UK publishing industry was in freefall today, as a direct result of the forthcoming 'Print Is Dead' album by Yourcodenameis:milo.

Shares of major players, including the parent companies of Random House, Penguin and Hodder Headline, plumetted overnight, and rumours are circulating that at least one CEO has blown her own brains out with a gun.

Jeremy Thorpe, editor of trade magazine The Bookseller, told Pop 24: "With developments in electronic and online publishing and other new technologies, the industry has had concerns about the future of print for some time, but frankly I don't think anybody thought our worst fears would be confirmed by a north-eastern post-hardcore act via the medium of a collaborative project also featuring the likes of Tom Vek and Bloc Party."

"This is by some distance the darkest hour for the whole book trade of my lifetime," he continued.

Meanwhile, the Government has organised public book-burnings in several of Britain's major cities to dispose of publications deemed "obsolete" in the wake of Yourcodenameis:milo's proclomation, including but not limited to the Bible, 'Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason', Foucault's 'History of Sexuality', and the Yellow Pages.

Surveillance (week ending 3 September)

There is no escape!

Fame Academy loser PETER BRAME openly playing with himself in a bus shelter in Penzance

Radio 1 disc-jockey JO WHILEY happy-slapping pensioners on the Morecambe sea-front

Public Enemy clock-loving jester FLAVOR FLAV shoplifting rawlplugs and fuses from B&Q in Norwich

Erstwhile Pulp frontman JARVIS COCKER trying to get himself noticed in London's fashionable Hoxton district

Formerly cool New Yorkers THE STROKES paintballing on a team-building weekend in County Durham

Slightly famous idiot DUNCAN JAMES making a bloody nuisance of himself in Hull

Readers! Have YOU spotted a famous pop star out and about? Then for God's sake, keep it to yourself.

Surveillance

Week ending 27 August 2006

Iron Maiden's BRUCE DICKINSON buying a USB cable in Dixons, Penrith

DANIEL BEDINGFIELD pointing at a tramp and laughing madly in Chester

MUTYA from Sugababes chasing pigeons in London's Trafalgar Square, London

CRAIG DAVID buying up entire back-catalogue of Craig David records from HMV in Watford, Herts ... and again, later the same day, in Luton

Fame Academy loser PETER BRAME gazing rapturously at own reflection in shop window on the Holloway Road, before being chased away by irate butcher for leaving greasy fingerprints on the glass

NATALIE IMBRUGLIA doing the hoovering in her house

SNOOP DOGG doing a funny little dance by the side of the road in Los Angeles

JAMELIA, just minding her own business, in Crewe