Madonna adopts bear cub

Following the controversy surrounding her adoption of a Malawian child, Madonna is now facing fresh criticism for adopting a grizzly bear cub from London Zoo.

It is understood that the adoption of the cub was a birthday present from Madonna's husband, shit film director Shane Richie. Generally, rights associated with the adoption of zoo animals are restricted to some kind of certificate, or at most a Beanie Baby from the gift shop.

However, Madonna is understood to have removed the grizzly from the zoo and to be currently raising him as a precocious British child at her mansion in the Home Counties. Environmental campaigners have suggested Madonna has used her wealth and influence among zoo officials to sidestep usual procedure and remove the deadly mammal.

WWF spokesman Hulk Hogan told reporters last night: "Madonna may fondly imagine she can offer the bear cub a better life, but zoo animals live in carefully simulated surroundings, and cannot thrive amidst the glitz and glamour of ageing rock stars' homes.

"The cub may be cute now, but in adult life it may attack, or even try to hump, Madonna," he continued. "I am sure that is the last thing anyone wants."

When a journalist approached Madonna at her home yesterday, she became angered, and fiercely protected the cub by hissing and spitting at the unknown predator.

Juliette Lewis swallows kestrel

American actor-slash-musician Juliette Lewis, of Juliette and the Licks, has inadvertently swallowed a kestrel.

The incident occurred last night at an aftershow party in London’s west end. Onlookers looked on aghast as the mighty bird of prey flew in through an open window and straight into Lewis’ permanently agape cakehole.

Lewis, whose album Four To The Floor is released in the UK on October 2, was immediately rushed to hospital. So far medics have been unable to retrieve the bird, which is lodged halfway down the star’s oesophageal tract.

Professor Richard Hillman, of the Institute of Improbable Injuries at King’s College London, said “Hopefully this will send out a message to young people that it is neither clever nor ‘cool’ to go through life without ever closing one’s mouth.”

Bird enthusiast Bill Oddie last night called publicly for the destruction of Ms Lewis in order to save the kestrel.