Heather Mills bludgeons homeless man with leg

NEW YORK, PROBABLY -- Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife Mrs Sir Heather McCartney-Mills-McCartney sunk to a new low yesterday when she was seen beating up a homeless man in the street -- with her own artificial leg.

Aghast onlookers looked on aghast as Mills (39), in the US while filming the reality TV show Dancing with the Stars, detached her prosthesis and used it to bludgeon the defenceless vagrant repeatedly in the face and torso, after he asked her if she had any spare "dimes".

According to passerby Senator Hilary Clinton, Mills -- dubbed "Mucca" by the Sun newspaper -- screeched "I am Lady Heather McCartney, and you are not getting a penny from me!" while beating the luckless tramp unconscious. Mills is widely expected to receive £40m in her divorce from the former Beatle.

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Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.

Boozy Queen scalps Elton John

LONDON -- Tensions surrounding the build-up to the tenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales came to a head late last night –– as reigning monarch Queen Elizabeth II launched an unprecedented and violent attack on pop icon Sir Elton John at an exclusive Soho bistro.

The incident, which has sent shockwaves across the nation, is understood to have followed a heated discussion over next year’s Wembley Stadium memorial concert, which will be organised by Princes William and Harry. The concert, which will commemorate 10 years since the spectacular death of the People’s Princess, boasts Sir Elton himself as part of a stellar line-up that also includes Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry.

Eyewitnesses today told Pop 24 that after a series of bad-tempered quips about "arse-candles in the wind", the booze-fuelled Head of State suddenly launched herself at the pop royalty, drawing a crudely-fashioned flick knife from her garments and vowing to "slice the wiggy fuck". A scuffle ensued, in which lairy Liz easily got the better of the ageing pop star, before being pulled away by a quick-thinking Uri Geller and bundled into a Peugeot. She has not been since since. Sources close to Sir Elton say the singer has lost several millimetres of scalp, and have described his condition as "tetchy".

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said Jamie Oliver was now on standby for this year’s Queen’s Speech, amid fears that this marks the start of another of Her Majesty's legendary "benders".