Pete Doherty to feature in ill-judged televisual vehicle

Troubled rocker Pete Doherty is to star in his own reality TV show.

Based on the popular T4 programme 'Princess Nikki' -- and, to a lesser extent, 'The Simple Life' -- 'Princess Pete' follows Doherty as he tries his hand at a variety of menial jobs.

And trouble's not far behind in the first episode, when Pete finds work at a branch of Gregg's the bakers in Wigan and fills all the pasties with heroin.

Later programmes in the six-part series will be based in a petting zoo, a women's prison, controversial US base Guantanamo Bay, and a methadone clinic.

'Princess Pete' starts at 10am on Saturday 14 October on Channel 4.

Yourcodenameis:milo cause turmoil in publishing industry

The UK publishing industry was in freefall today, as a direct result of the forthcoming 'Print Is Dead' album by Yourcodenameis:milo.

Shares of major players, including the parent companies of Random House, Penguin and Hodder Headline, plumetted overnight, and rumours are circulating that at least one CEO has blown her own brains out with a gun.

Jeremy Thorpe, editor of trade magazine The Bookseller, told Pop 24: "With developments in electronic and online publishing and other new technologies, the industry has had concerns about the future of print for some time, but frankly I don't think anybody thought our worst fears would be confirmed by a north-eastern post-hardcore act via the medium of a collaborative project also featuring the likes of Tom Vek and Bloc Party."

"This is by some distance the darkest hour for the whole book trade of my lifetime," he continued.

Meanwhile, the Government has organised public book-burnings in several of Britain's major cities to dispose of publications deemed "obsolete" in the wake of Yourcodenameis:milo's proclomation, including but not limited to the Bible, 'Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason', Foucault's 'History of Sexuality', and the Yellow Pages.

This week's guest sub-editor

We are pleased to announce that Bono out of U2 will be Pop 24's special guest sub-editor all this week.

Bono will be checking all Pop 24 news articles (if there are any) for style and sense, as well as correcting spelling and grammar, and writing headlines and picture captions.

Welcome aboard, Bono!

Morrissey accuses Gnarls Barkley of conspiracy

Morrissey has accused Gnarls Barkley of deliberately sabotaging his chances of a UK Number One single by releasing a much better record.

Ranting to nobody in particular, the ex-Smith complained that 'Crazy' was intentionally better conceived, written and produced than his half-arsed, self-indulgent dirge 'You Have Killed Me'.

"Was it any coincidence that the two songs were released in the same week?" Morrissey shouted at a middle-aged woman who was clearly trying not to make eye-contact. "I think not!"

Morrissey went on to say he would not rule out the possibility that his number three chart position was the result of a much wider conspiracy involving the BPI, the BBC, the NME and the European Union.

Juliette Lewis swallows kestrel

American actor-slash-musician Juliette Lewis, of Juliette and the Licks, has inadvertently swallowed a kestrel.

The incident occurred last night at an aftershow party in London’s west end. Onlookers looked on aghast as the mighty bird of prey flew in through an open window and straight into Lewis’ permanently agape cakehole.

Lewis, whose album Four To The Floor is released in the UK on October 2, was immediately rushed to hospital. So far medics have been unable to retrieve the bird, which is lodged halfway down the star’s oesophageal tract.

Professor Richard Hillman, of the Institute of Improbable Injuries at King’s College London, said “Hopefully this will send out a message to young people that it is neither clever nor ‘cool’ to go through life without ever closing one’s mouth.”

Bird enthusiast Bill Oddie last night called publicly for the destruction of Ms Lewis in order to save the kestrel.

Arctic Monkeys crushed by piano

Internet pop sensation the Arctic Monkeys have been crushed to death by a grand piano, shortly after winning the 2006 Mercury Music Prize.

The tragic incident happened as the Sheffield four-piece were leaving the ceremony venue, just hours after accepting the £20,000 cheque for their album Whatever You Say I Am, That's What I'm Not. Onlookers were reported as saying the deadly piano “just seemed to appear from nowhere”.

A member of the mysterious Mercury judging panel, who asked to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying “Mwa-ha-ha-haaaa!”, before disappearing in a puff of black smoke.

Surveillance (week ending 3 September)

There is no escape!

Fame Academy loser PETER BRAME openly playing with himself in a bus shelter in Penzance

Radio 1 disc-jockey JO WHILEY happy-slapping pensioners on the Morecambe sea-front

Public Enemy clock-loving jester FLAVOR FLAV shoplifting rawlplugs and fuses from B&Q in Norwich

Erstwhile Pulp frontman JARVIS COCKER trying to get himself noticed in London's fashionable Hoxton district

Formerly cool New Yorkers THE STROKES paintballing on a team-building weekend in County Durham

Slightly famous idiot DUNCAN JAMES making a bloody nuisance of himself in Hull

Readers! Have YOU spotted a famous pop star out and about? Then for God's sake, keep it to yourself.

Panic! At The Disco throw weight behind Cameron's Tories

Tony Blair's leadership of the Labour Party took a fresh blow last night, as US rock band Panic! At The Disco announced their support for David Cameron.

 

In an interview with the London Times newspaper, frontman Midge Ure (37) said he admired the Conservative leader's record on the environment and social issues.

 

This is particularly bad news for the British government as it comes only days after My Chemical Romance sensationally defected to the Liberal Democrats.