Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.