Eavis selling Glastonbury tickets door-to-door

SOMERSET, ENGLAND -- With just days to go until the 2008 Glastonbury festival, organiser Michael Eavis has resorted to unconventional tactics to offload the final tickets.

After the event failed to sell out for the first time in years, the baldy farmer will be spending this weekend travelling Great Britain in his Land Rover, knocking on people's doors and attempting to flog the tickets in person.

"I was quite surprised when Michael turned up at my house trying to sell my husband and I tickets for Glastonbury," said one 47-year-old Sheffield housewife. "I said I was getting a bit old for that kind of thing, and besides, it clashes with a friend's wedding."

But take heed, Britons: Eavis is not a man who readily takes no for an answer. "He kept banging on about the favourable weather forecasts, and how Jay-Z was going to confound the naysayers," revealed one would-be punter in Oban, Scotland. "I thought he'd never leave. He literally had his foot in the door at one point."

This latest move follows earlier attempts to sell the residual tickets, including making them available over the counter in music stores and abandoning the pre-registration process.

Speaking to Pop 24 on his mobile from the Outer Hebrides, Eavis yesterday said: "We've been hearing that a lot of people would love to come to the festival, but don't have internet access or live near a HMV. Or have phones: trendy London media types may be surprised to learn a lot of people in this country still aren't on the phone.

"So I've gone back to basics, selling tickets door-to-door, and the response has been largely positive, with a very small number of threats to call the police. We're confident the festival will sell out and be one of our best ever. Also it will not rain all weekend, and everyone will get laid.

"Actually, you can quote me on that: if you come to the 2008 Glastonbury Festival of Contemporary Arts, you will definitely get laid."

From today, a limited number of tickets are also available through larger branches of Gregg's the bakers.

Celebrities come together for Camden

LONDON, NW1 -- Some of pop's biggest stars, plus Kelly Osbourne, have joined forces to raise money for the businesses affected by last week's fire in Camden Town.

They have recorded a cover version of Billy Joel's late-'80s masterpiece We Didn't Start The Fire, featuring contributions from Razorlight's Johnny Borrell and troubled crackhead Amy Winehouse, among others.

The song, inspired by Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas?, features each celebrity singing a line in turn, before joining in for the chorus, which includes the poignant line "We didn't start the fire/We didn't ignite it but we're trying to fight it". The promo video, again in the tradition of Band Aid, features actual studio footage.

But it seems those crazy celebs couldn't put their egos entirely to one side: Pop 24 has learned that Kristen Dunst and Carl Barat nearly came to blows over who got to deliver the pivotal line, "Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball". Both are huge fans of Gen. de Gaulle, who famously blocked Britain's entry to the European Community.

Other guest vocalists include Noel Fielding, Edith Bowman, Russell Brand, Sadie Frost, Alex Zane and Boris Johnson.

We Didn't Start The Fire by the Camden Town All-Stars is released on CD and download on Monday.

Glasto 2007 rumour-mill round-up

• Following people dead: Fidel Castro, Salman Rushdie, the Queen, Baroness Thatcher, Daniel Bedingfield, Cliff Richard, Pete Doherty, Andi Peters
  
• Dame Shirley Bassey to join Manics on stage, cover 'Intense Humming of Evil' in style of Bond theme


• Barat, Doherty to reunite, perform secret gig in Portaloo


• Blair to compere John Peel stage on Sunday (while simultaneously appearing at Labour Party conference in Manchester, disturbingly)


• Mean Fiddler organisation has deliberately disabled mobile phone networks for nefarious purposes unknown


• Guy with dreads on tofuburger stall also selling skunk


• Bin Laden spotted near stone circle


• The Who to take to stage dressed as boy scouts


• Escaped puma from Bristol Zoo loose in backstage area; has attacked Peaches Geldof


• Winehouse handing out fivers

Winehouse offered Government post

WESTMINSTER -- Further controversy surrounded Gordon Brown's plans for Government this evening, after Pop 24 learnt that controversial pop sensation Amy Winehouse has informally been offered a ministerial position.

Sources close to the Brown and Winehouse camps confirmed that the Chancellor met with Winehouse briefly on 17 June to tentatively discuss the offer of a junior ministerial position within the Department for Culture, Media and Sport; most likely a newly created role along the lines of Minister of Jazz, Soul and R&B. It is understood that, as part of the arrangement, Ms Winehouse would have been appointed to the Labour benches of the House of Lords.

Pop 24 understands that Winehouse told the Prime Minister-in-waiting to stick his job up his arse.

Cutty Sark: Ditto arrested

LONDON -- Gossip star Beth Ditto was arrested yesterday in connection with the Cutty Sark fire of a week ago.

Ditto is understood to have been seen in the Greenwich area on 21 May, and there have been reports that she has become increasingly "obsessed" with the nineteenth-century clipper ship in recent months.

At the Gossip/CSS gig at the Manchester Roadhouse three days prior to the blaze, Ditto at one stage incited the audience to chant, "f*** the Cutty Sark." After the event, she was overheard telling a fan: "You know what I like about [Manchester]? It's 200 miles away from that f***ing boat. What's the deal with that, anyway? It's like a huge boat that doesn't even go anywhere? Someone should do something about it. I think you know what I'm saying."

There is speculation within the music industry that Ditto is fed up with being associated with her size and sexuality, and may have started the fire in order to add a new and unexpected element to her persona: namely the destruction of antique sea vessels.

The Metropolitan Police today confirmed they had detained an American woman in her 20s in connection with the fire, which they are treating as suspicious.

Heather Mills bludgeons homeless man with leg

NEW YORK, PROBABLY -- Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife Mrs Sir Heather McCartney-Mills-McCartney sunk to a new low yesterday when she was seen beating up a homeless man in the street -- with her own artificial leg.

Aghast onlookers looked on aghast as Mills (39), in the US while filming the reality TV show Dancing with the Stars, detached her prosthesis and used it to bludgeon the defenceless vagrant repeatedly in the face and torso, after he asked her if she had any spare "dimes".

According to passerby Senator Hilary Clinton, Mills -- dubbed "Mucca" by the Sun newspaper -- screeched "I am Lady Heather McCartney, and you are not getting a penny from me!" while beating the luckless tramp unconscious. Mills is widely expected to receive £40m in her divorce from the former Beatle.

-- HAS Heather gone too far? To vote YES, call 0870 637 8989; to vote NO, call 0870 434 2707. Calls cost £2.99 per minute from BT landlines. Mobile rates vary. Please get permission from whoever pays the bill.

Winehouse cancels gig due to "forseen circumstances"

Amy Winehouse's management company have described her last-minute cancellation of a gig at London's Shepherds Bush Empire this week as "wholly predictable".

A statement issued on Friday morning said that "We apologise for the cancellation of Thursday night's concert, which was as disappointing as it was inevitable."

The statement went on to explain that the event has been rescheduled for next month, when it will again be cancelled at the last minute.

Six dead in Brits carnage

EARL'S COURT, LONDON -- The full horror of last night's "live and dangerous" Brit Awards became apparent today, as it was announced that six people lost their lives at the prestigious music ceremony.

Up to 100 other people -- mostly artists, fans and industry figures -- were either maimed or injured at the event, as the self-styled Carnival of Mayhem descended into a free-for-all bloodbath.

Trouble began early on, when clearly inebriated Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke -- angry at having lost out on the Best British Male award to James Morrison -- punched R&B sensation Lemar in the face.

This set into motion a ghastly chain of events which culminated with jazz singer Amy Winehouse greedily feasting on Take That member Howard Donald's heart and lungs on live television, as oversexed funnyman host Russel Brand looked on aghast.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a spokesman for ITV said: "This is exactly why we have refrained from screening the Brits live in the past.

"The decision to broadcast the 2007 Awards live was a gamble and, clearly, one which did not pay off. We had discussed contingency plans for various worst-case scenarios, including pre-watershed swearing or nudity; but the one thing nobody was prepared for, frankly, was Fearne Cotton beating Gary from Snow Patrol unconscious with his own mic stand.

"I can still hear his screams," he added tearfully.

Responding to criticism that coverage of the melee had continued well after the first casualties, the spokesman replied: "Look, it was either carry on, or pull the plug and go to frigging 'Heartbeat'. What would you have done?"

MasterCard today hurriedly withdrew their sponsorship of the Brits. Undeterred, Carphone Warehouse have expressed an interest in being associated with next year's bash.

UK Government announces Ten Albums You Must Own By Law

WESTMINSTER -- Tessa Jowell, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, today announced details of the Government's controversial Popular Music (Mandatory Ownership) Bill, which for the first time will make the possession of certain albums compulsory.

The Bill is expected to come into force in summer 2008, when the records listed below will become legally obligatory for all residents of England and Wales, in vinyl, CD or digital format.

"But not cassette," warned Jowell. "Fuck that shit."

Anyone found not in possession of the collection will be forced to attend a music appreciation class and pay a fine of a fine of no more than GBP1,000, with the threat of up to six months' imprisonment for persistent offenders.

The legislation will not apply to Scotland, although the Scottish Parliament is reportedly considering bringing in a similar list, with Primal Scream, Altered Images and the Proclaimers all expected to feature prominently.

The British Government's Top Ten Albums You Must Own By Law is as follows.

1. The Beatles, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
2. Beach Boys, Pet Sounds
3. Oasis, Definitely Maybe
4. U2, Achtung Baby
5. Radiohead, OK Computer
6. Coldplay, X&Y
7. The Beatles, Revolver
8. REM, Automatic For The People
9. Killers, Hot Fuss
10. Robbie Williams, Swing When You're Winning

Glastonbury tickets to be allocated via series of fiendish riddles

SOMERSET, ENGLAND -- Organisers of the Glastonbury music festival have announced further details of the ticket purchasing system for the 2007 event, to take place in June.

Emily Eavis has revealed to Pop 24 how the tickets will be allocated based on the outcome of a series of problem-solving tasks, each one more bizarre than the last.

As has previously been widely reported in the media, would-be festival-goers will be obliged to register with the Mean Fiddler organisation next month, providing name, address, daytime contact number, credit card details, known allergies and political affiliations, together with a recent utility bill and DNA swab.

"Registration is only the first stage of the ticket-buying process," revealed Eavis yesterday. "Within a fortnight of having their registration confirmed, each customer will receive their own personal cryptic clue. This may be delivered to the recipitent by email, SMS text message, carrier pigeon, or it may well appear to them in a feverish dream."

But that's not all. The clue is the first of several which will lead the card-holder on a dizzying treasure hunt across land and sea, taking in several continents. Eventually, the treasure hunters (who must work in units of no more than two) will be led to Michael Eavis's secret underground lair, where the baldly landlord himself will preside over a week-long tournament of games aimed to test mental and physical agility. Only the top-ranking few thousand will be permitted to attend the festival, with the ultimate winner to be crowned Champion Of The World on the Pyramid Stage by Radiohead on Saturday night.

In the event of a draw, Ms Eavis said: "I would not be surprised if we resorted to bare-knuckle wrestling. Probably nude."

A quick straw-poll carried out by Pop 24 revealed that a significant majority of music fans welcomed this move as hugely preferable to the previous booking system.

2 Many Chefs To Spoil TV Broth?

ITV has today revealed a tasty, poptastic new TV treat which will be sure to cook up a real storm across the nation next month.

Hot on the heels of the recent Totally Boyband series –– which gave five former pop stars a chance to rekindle their flagging careers with a new band –– ITV has now unveiled plans to air a similar show with a culinary twist.

The new primetime reality show If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will see top TV chefs Antony Worrall Thompson, Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal quite literally "…get out of the kitchen" to form a sensational new pop act.

Programming chiefs are remaining tight-lipped over the details, although it has been revealed that the four-piece will perform under the name 2 Many Chefs. Pop 24 has learnt that original plans to name the band The Spice Boys –– replete with nicknames "Hairy", "Sweary", "Sweaty" and "Swotty" –– were rejected after negative test screenings.

In the wake of the announcement, Ladbrokes have put odds of 8/1 that the band’s debut single will be a cover of the South Park song "Chocolate Salty Balls", as sung by "Chef" (Isaac Hayes).

If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will launch on ITV1 on Saturday 27 January at 8pm.

Boozy Queen scalps Elton John

LONDON -- Tensions surrounding the build-up to the tenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales came to a head late last night –– as reigning monarch Queen Elizabeth II launched an unprecedented and violent attack on pop icon Sir Elton John at an exclusive Soho bistro.

The incident, which has sent shockwaves across the nation, is understood to have followed a heated discussion over next year’s Wembley Stadium memorial concert, which will be organised by Princes William and Harry. The concert, which will commemorate 10 years since the spectacular death of the People’s Princess, boasts Sir Elton himself as part of a stellar line-up that also includes Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry.

Eyewitnesses today told Pop 24 that after a series of bad-tempered quips about "arse-candles in the wind", the booze-fuelled Head of State suddenly launched herself at the pop royalty, drawing a crudely-fashioned flick knife from her garments and vowing to "slice the wiggy fuck". A scuffle ensued, in which lairy Liz easily got the better of the ageing pop star, before being pulled away by a quick-thinking Uri Geller and bundled into a Peugeot. She has not been since since. Sources close to Sir Elton say the singer has lost several millimetres of scalp, and have described his condition as "tetchy".

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said Jamie Oliver was now on standby for this year’s Queen’s Speech, amid fears that this marks the start of another of Her Majesty's legendary "benders".

Bananarama take control of Fiji in shock military coup

In a move that has rocked the world of eighties pop to its already fragile knees, girl group Bananarama have stormed government offices in the remote South Pacific nation of Fiji.

Citing deposed prime minister Laisenia Qarase's involvement in corruption and lack of leadership skills, and the refusal of the British public to support yet another unnecessary eighties comeback act, Woodward and Dallin staged a thankfully bloodless coup at around 0800 GMT on Monday. They have, however, warned that force could be used if Fijians refuse to accept 'Love In The First Degree' as their new national anthem.

Speaking from behind a bush somewhere in London, former friend of the band and current heinous druggie George Michael expressed his shock and disappointment. "I just can't believe it," he said, hurriedly pulling up his trousers. "I know 'Drama' was a flop, but they've taken it too far. I don't even know where Fiji is."

The international community has also strongly condemned the coup. Aid from the UK, US and New Zealand has been suspended, and Fiji faces expulsion from the Commonwealth of Nations. Hopes for the restoration of constitutional democracy on the islands have been pinned on UN Chief Secretary Of 1980s Relations Marc Almond, who is believed to have been parachuted in to act as a mediator. Rumours that mediation may take the form of yet another collaborative version of 'Tainted Love' are as yet unsubstantiated.

Alan Freeman dead, angry

HEAVEN -- The departed spirit of radio presenter Alan "Fluff" Freeman is "hopping mad" following media coverage of his recent death at the age of 79, we can report.

"When Peel died, it was a huge story," said Freeman, speaking exclusively to Pop 24 via a hastily-organised seance. "Even Tony bloody Blair gave a quote. And what do I get? A couple of paragraphs on page 5. Bah!"

Freeman said he could not rule out returning to the living world in ghostly form in order to haunt the British news media until this apparent oversight had been corrected.

"Am I fucked off? Not 'arf!" he concluded inevitably.

Madonna adopts bear cub

Following the controversy surrounding her adoption of a Malawian child, Madonna is now facing fresh criticism for adopting a grizzly bear cub from London Zoo.

It is understood that the adoption of the cub was a birthday present from Madonna's husband, shit film director Shane Richie. Generally, rights associated with the adoption of zoo animals are restricted to some kind of certificate, or at most a Beanie Baby from the gift shop.

However, Madonna is understood to have removed the grizzly from the zoo and to be currently raising him as a precocious British child at her mansion in the Home Counties. Environmental campaigners have suggested Madonna has used her wealth and influence among zoo officials to sidestep usual procedure and remove the deadly mammal.

WWF spokesman Hulk Hogan told reporters last night: "Madonna may fondly imagine she can offer the bear cub a better life, but zoo animals live in carefully simulated surroundings, and cannot thrive amidst the glitz and glamour of ageing rock stars' homes.

"The cub may be cute now, but in adult life it may attack, or even try to hump, Madonna," he continued. "I am sure that is the last thing anyone wants."

When a journalist approached Madonna at her home yesterday, she became angered, and fiercely protected the cub by hissing and spitting at the unknown predator.

Pete Doherty to feature in ill-judged televisual vehicle

Troubled rocker Pete Doherty is to star in his own reality TV show.

Based on the popular T4 programme 'Princess Nikki' -- and, to a lesser extent, 'The Simple Life' -- 'Princess Pete' follows Doherty as he tries his hand at a variety of menial jobs.

And trouble's not far behind in the first episode, when Pete finds work at a branch of Gregg's the bakers in Wigan and fills all the pasties with heroin.

Later programmes in the six-part series will be based in a petting zoo, a women's prison, controversial US base Guantanamo Bay, and a methadone clinic.

'Princess Pete' starts at 10am on Saturday 14 October on Channel 4.

Yourcodenameis:milo cause turmoil in publishing industry

The UK publishing industry was in freefall today, as a direct result of the forthcoming 'Print Is Dead' album by Yourcodenameis:milo.

Shares of major players, including the parent companies of Random House, Penguin and Hodder Headline, plumetted overnight, and rumours are circulating that at least one CEO has blown her own brains out with a gun.

Jeremy Thorpe, editor of trade magazine The Bookseller, told Pop 24: "With developments in electronic and online publishing and other new technologies, the industry has had concerns about the future of print for some time, but frankly I don't think anybody thought our worst fears would be confirmed by a north-eastern post-hardcore act via the medium of a collaborative project also featuring the likes of Tom Vek and Bloc Party."

"This is by some distance the darkest hour for the whole book trade of my lifetime," he continued.

Meanwhile, the Government has organised public book-burnings in several of Britain's major cities to dispose of publications deemed "obsolete" in the wake of Yourcodenameis:milo's proclomation, including but not limited to the Bible, 'Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason', Foucault's 'History of Sexuality', and the Yellow Pages.

This week's guest sub-editor

We are pleased to announce that Bono out of U2 will be Pop 24's special guest sub-editor all this week.

Bono will be checking all Pop 24 news articles (if there are any) for style and sense, as well as correcting spelling and grammar, and writing headlines and picture captions.

Welcome aboard, Bono!

Morrissey accuses Gnarls Barkley of conspiracy

Morrissey has accused Gnarls Barkley of deliberately sabotaging his chances of a UK Number One single by releasing a much better record.

Ranting to nobody in particular, the ex-Smith complained that 'Crazy' was intentionally better conceived, written and produced than his half-arsed, self-indulgent dirge 'You Have Killed Me'.

"Was it any coincidence that the two songs were released in the same week?" Morrissey shouted at a middle-aged woman who was clearly trying not to make eye-contact. "I think not!"

Morrissey went on to say he would not rule out the possibility that his number three chart position was the result of a much wider conspiracy involving the BPI, the BBC, the NME and the European Union.

Juliette Lewis swallows kestrel

American actor-slash-musician Juliette Lewis, of Juliette and the Licks, has inadvertently swallowed a kestrel.

The incident occurred last night at an aftershow party in London’s west end. Onlookers looked on aghast as the mighty bird of prey flew in through an open window and straight into Lewis’ permanently agape cakehole.

Lewis, whose album Four To The Floor is released in the UK on October 2, was immediately rushed to hospital. So far medics have been unable to retrieve the bird, which is lodged halfway down the star’s oesophageal tract.

Professor Richard Hillman, of the Institute of Improbable Injuries at King’s College London, said “Hopefully this will send out a message to young people that it is neither clever nor ‘cool’ to go through life without ever closing one’s mouth.”

Bird enthusiast Bill Oddie last night called publicly for the destruction of Ms Lewis in order to save the kestrel.