2 Many Chefs To Spoil TV Broth?

ITV has today revealed a tasty, poptastic new TV treat which will be sure to cook up a real storm across the nation next month.

Hot on the heels of the recent Totally Boyband series –– which gave five former pop stars a chance to rekindle their flagging careers with a new band –– ITV has now unveiled plans to air a similar show with a culinary twist.

The new primetime reality show If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will see top TV chefs Antony Worrall Thompson, Gordon Ramsey, Jamie Oliver and Heston Blumenthal quite literally "…get out of the kitchen" to form a sensational new pop act.

Programming chiefs are remaining tight-lipped over the details, although it has been revealed that the four-piece will perform under the name 2 Many Chefs. Pop 24 has learnt that original plans to name the band The Spice Boys –– replete with nicknames "Hairy", "Sweary", "Sweaty" and "Swotty" –– were rejected after negative test screenings.

In the wake of the announcement, Ladbrokes have put odds of 8/1 that the band’s debut single will be a cover of the South Park song "Chocolate Salty Balls", as sung by "Chef" (Isaac Hayes).

If You Can’t Stand The Heat… will launch on ITV1 on Saturday 27 January at 8pm.

Boozy Queen scalps Elton John

LONDON -- Tensions surrounding the build-up to the tenth anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales came to a head late last night –– as reigning monarch Queen Elizabeth II launched an unprecedented and violent attack on pop icon Sir Elton John at an exclusive Soho bistro.

The incident, which has sent shockwaves across the nation, is understood to have followed a heated discussion over next year’s Wembley Stadium memorial concert, which will be organised by Princes William and Harry. The concert, which will commemorate 10 years since the spectacular death of the People’s Princess, boasts Sir Elton himself as part of a stellar line-up that also includes Duran Duran and Bryan Ferry.

Eyewitnesses today told Pop 24 that after a series of bad-tempered quips about "arse-candles in the wind", the booze-fuelled Head of State suddenly launched herself at the pop royalty, drawing a crudely-fashioned flick knife from her garments and vowing to "slice the wiggy fuck". A scuffle ensued, in which lairy Liz easily got the better of the ageing pop star, before being pulled away by a quick-thinking Uri Geller and bundled into a Peugeot. She has not been since since. Sources close to Sir Elton say the singer has lost several millimetres of scalp, and have described his condition as "tetchy".

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said Jamie Oliver was now on standby for this year’s Queen’s Speech, amid fears that this marks the start of another of Her Majesty's legendary "benders".

Bananarama take control of Fiji in shock military coup

In a move that has rocked the world of eighties pop to its already fragile knees, girl group Bananarama have stormed government offices in the remote South Pacific nation of Fiji.

Citing deposed prime minister Laisenia Qarase's involvement in corruption and lack of leadership skills, and the refusal of the British public to support yet another unnecessary eighties comeback act, Woodward and Dallin staged a thankfully bloodless coup at around 0800 GMT on Monday. They have, however, warned that force could be used if Fijians refuse to accept 'Love In The First Degree' as their new national anthem.

Speaking from behind a bush somewhere in London, former friend of the band and current heinous druggie George Michael expressed his shock and disappointment. "I just can't believe it," he said, hurriedly pulling up his trousers. "I know 'Drama' was a flop, but they've taken it too far. I don't even know where Fiji is."

The international community has also strongly condemned the coup. Aid from the UK, US and New Zealand has been suspended, and Fiji faces expulsion from the Commonwealth of Nations. Hopes for the restoration of constitutional democracy on the islands have been pinned on UN Chief Secretary Of 1980s Relations Marc Almond, who is believed to have been parachuted in to act as a mediator. Rumours that mediation may take the form of yet another collaborative version of 'Tainted Love' are as yet unsubstantiated.

Alan Freeman dead, angry

HEAVEN -- The departed spirit of radio presenter Alan "Fluff" Freeman is "hopping mad" following media coverage of his recent death at the age of 79, we can report.

"When Peel died, it was a huge story," said Freeman, speaking exclusively to Pop 24 via a hastily-organised seance. "Even Tony bloody Blair gave a quote. And what do I get? A couple of paragraphs on page 5. Bah!"

Freeman said he could not rule out returning to the living world in ghostly form in order to haunt the British news media until this apparent oversight had been corrected.

"Am I fucked off? Not 'arf!" he concluded inevitably.

Madonna adopts bear cub

Following the controversy surrounding her adoption of a Malawian child, Madonna is now facing fresh criticism for adopting a grizzly bear cub from London Zoo.

It is understood that the adoption of the cub was a birthday present from Madonna's husband, shit film director Shane Richie. Generally, rights associated with the adoption of zoo animals are restricted to some kind of certificate, or at most a Beanie Baby from the gift shop.

However, Madonna is understood to have removed the grizzly from the zoo and to be currently raising him as a precocious British child at her mansion in the Home Counties. Environmental campaigners have suggested Madonna has used her wealth and influence among zoo officials to sidestep usual procedure and remove the deadly mammal.

WWF spokesman Hulk Hogan told reporters last night: "Madonna may fondly imagine she can offer the bear cub a better life, but zoo animals live in carefully simulated surroundings, and cannot thrive amidst the glitz and glamour of ageing rock stars' homes.

"The cub may be cute now, but in adult life it may attack, or even try to hump, Madonna," he continued. "I am sure that is the last thing anyone wants."

When a journalist approached Madonna at her home yesterday, she became angered, and fiercely protected the cub by hissing and spitting at the unknown predator.

Pete Doherty to feature in ill-judged televisual vehicle

Troubled rocker Pete Doherty is to star in his own reality TV show.

Based on the popular T4 programme 'Princess Nikki' -- and, to a lesser extent, 'The Simple Life' -- 'Princess Pete' follows Doherty as he tries his hand at a variety of menial jobs.

And trouble's not far behind in the first episode, when Pete finds work at a branch of Gregg's the bakers in Wigan and fills all the pasties with heroin.

Later programmes in the six-part series will be based in a petting zoo, a women's prison, controversial US base Guantanamo Bay, and a methadone clinic.

'Princess Pete' starts at 10am on Saturday 14 October on Channel 4.

Yourcodenameis:milo cause turmoil in publishing industry

The UK publishing industry was in freefall today, as a direct result of the forthcoming 'Print Is Dead' album by Yourcodenameis:milo.

Shares of major players, including the parent companies of Random House, Penguin and Hodder Headline, plumetted overnight, and rumours are circulating that at least one CEO has blown her own brains out with a gun.

Jeremy Thorpe, editor of trade magazine The Bookseller, told Pop 24: "With developments in electronic and online publishing and other new technologies, the industry has had concerns about the future of print for some time, but frankly I don't think anybody thought our worst fears would be confirmed by a north-eastern post-hardcore act via the medium of a collaborative project also featuring the likes of Tom Vek and Bloc Party."

"This is by some distance the darkest hour for the whole book trade of my lifetime," he continued.

Meanwhile, the Government has organised public book-burnings in several of Britain's major cities to dispose of publications deemed "obsolete" in the wake of Yourcodenameis:milo's proclomation, including but not limited to the Bible, 'Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason', Foucault's 'History of Sexuality', and the Yellow Pages.

This week's guest sub-editor

We are pleased to announce that Bono out of U2 will be Pop 24's special guest sub-editor all this week.

Bono will be checking all Pop 24 news articles (if there are any) for style and sense, as well as correcting spelling and grammar, and writing headlines and picture captions.

Welcome aboard, Bono!

Morrissey accuses Gnarls Barkley of conspiracy

Morrissey has accused Gnarls Barkley of deliberately sabotaging his chances of a UK Number One single by releasing a much better record.

Ranting to nobody in particular, the ex-Smith complained that 'Crazy' was intentionally better conceived, written and produced than his half-arsed, self-indulgent dirge 'You Have Killed Me'.

"Was it any coincidence that the two songs were released in the same week?" Morrissey shouted at a middle-aged woman who was clearly trying not to make eye-contact. "I think not!"

Morrissey went on to say he would not rule out the possibility that his number three chart position was the result of a much wider conspiracy involving the BPI, the BBC, the NME and the European Union.

Juliette Lewis swallows kestrel

American actor-slash-musician Juliette Lewis, of Juliette and the Licks, has inadvertently swallowed a kestrel.

The incident occurred last night at an aftershow party in London’s west end. Onlookers looked on aghast as the mighty bird of prey flew in through an open window and straight into Lewis’ permanently agape cakehole.

Lewis, whose album Four To The Floor is released in the UK on October 2, was immediately rushed to hospital. So far medics have been unable to retrieve the bird, which is lodged halfway down the star’s oesophageal tract.

Professor Richard Hillman, of the Institute of Improbable Injuries at King’s College London, said “Hopefully this will send out a message to young people that it is neither clever nor ‘cool’ to go through life without ever closing one’s mouth.”

Bird enthusiast Bill Oddie last night called publicly for the destruction of Ms Lewis in order to save the kestrel.

Arctic Monkeys crushed by piano

Internet pop sensation the Arctic Monkeys have been crushed to death by a grand piano, shortly after winning the 2006 Mercury Music Prize.

The tragic incident happened as the Sheffield four-piece were leaving the ceremony venue, just hours after accepting the £20,000 cheque for their album Whatever You Say I Am, That's What I'm Not. Onlookers were reported as saying the deadly piano “just seemed to appear from nowhere”.

A member of the mysterious Mercury judging panel, who asked to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying “Mwa-ha-ha-haaaa!”, before disappearing in a puff of black smoke.

Surveillance (week ending 3 September)

There is no escape!

Fame Academy loser PETER BRAME openly playing with himself in a bus shelter in Penzance

Radio 1 disc-jockey JO WHILEY happy-slapping pensioners on the Morecambe sea-front

Public Enemy clock-loving jester FLAVOR FLAV shoplifting rawlplugs and fuses from B&Q in Norwich

Erstwhile Pulp frontman JARVIS COCKER trying to get himself noticed in London's fashionable Hoxton district

Formerly cool New Yorkers THE STROKES paintballing on a team-building weekend in County Durham

Slightly famous idiot DUNCAN JAMES making a bloody nuisance of himself in Hull

Readers! Have YOU spotted a famous pop star out and about? Then for God's sake, keep it to yourself.

Panic! At The Disco throw weight behind Cameron's Tories

Tony Blair's leadership of the Labour Party took a fresh blow last night, as US rock band Panic! At The Disco announced their support for David Cameron.

 

In an interview with the London Times newspaper, frontman Midge Ure (37) said he admired the Conservative leader's record on the environment and social issues.

 

This is particularly bad news for the British government as it comes only days after My Chemical Romance sensationally defected to the Liberal Democrats.

We Are Scientists unaffected by Mid-East crisis

We Are Scientists have been completely unaffected by the ongoing Middle East crisis, we can reveal.

 

Speaking exclusively to Pop 24 by semaphore, frontman Billy-Bob Thornton said the band were some distance from the conflict, and had no friends or relatives in the troubled region.

 

"Our drummer's great-aunt lived in Beirut for a short while in the '60s," he mused by flag-proxy. "But no longer."

Surveillance

Week ending 27 August 2006

Iron Maiden's BRUCE DICKINSON buying a USB cable in Dixons, Penrith

DANIEL BEDINGFIELD pointing at a tramp and laughing madly in Chester

MUTYA from Sugababes chasing pigeons in London's Trafalgar Square, London

CRAIG DAVID buying up entire back-catalogue of Craig David records from HMV in Watford, Herts ... and again, later the same day, in Luton

Fame Academy loser PETER BRAME gazing rapturously at own reflection in shop window on the Holloway Road, before being chased away by irate butcher for leaving greasy fingerprints on the glass

NATALIE IMBRUGLIA doing the hoovering in her house

SNOOP DOGG doing a funny little dance by the side of the road in Los Angeles

JAMELIA, just minding her own business, in Crewe

Lily Allen "disses" Captain Birdseye

Popstrel-du-jour Ms Lily Allen has sensationally slated much-loved nautical advertising mascot Captain Birdseye.

Sources suggest Allen was overheard describing Captain Birdseye as a "stupid beardy bastard" at the Carling Reading Festival, where she may or may not have performed this weekend.

Allen allegedly went on: "Who wants to eat that disgusting food he peddles to the kids? Fish fingers? Would you catch me eating that shit? No. Why? Because I'm Lily fucking Allen, that's why. Boo-ya!"

A spokesman for Birds Eye Foods declined to comment.